BUNNY AND HOPPY
A crack ho named Bunny sashayed her tired ass down Twelfth Street near Harrison.  It had been a long and aggravating day.  She’d already been nearly busted and had made only 50 bucks.  Twenty-five was stuck in her ripped garter; the other had gone up her nose.  It was one of those days a crack ho was better off staying in bed.  Alone.  No johns, no dealers, no… men.  But men were Bunny’s life, or livelihood anyway.  And even a crack ho has rent to pay.  So… >>>

MAYBES
Seth was broke.  (See, that was easy.)  Seth needed a new home.  (Not so easy a solution, especially in San Francisco.)  Seth had no job or prospects for employment.  (Which was fast becoming the norm in the chilly city by the bay.)  So you can see why Seth was so set on seeing such seemingly squalid surroundings.  (It does get easier to say, doesn’t it?) >>>

THE IKEA PARADOX
“Honey, come here!” screamed my husband from the bedroom.

“What?” I screamed back from the kitchen.

“Come quick!” he screamed, even louder.

In a panic, I rushed through our apartment, down the hall, and towards our bedroom.  My husband is sadly accident-prone.  Visions of severed fingers ran through my head as I raced towards him. >>>

COSTCO HIGH
If you’re on a diet, don’t go to Costco stoned.

If you’ve already eaten lunch, don’t go to Costco stoned.

If you don’t enjoy freshly prepared frozen foods… well, you get the picture.

However, if none of the above applies to you, by all means, go to Costco stoned out of your ever-lovin’ gourd.  But be prepared, you never know what might happen… >>>

TEN MINUTES AND COUNTING
Pardon me if I ramble.  Nah, nix that.  I only got 10 minutes left to record all this; least that’s what it said there on that site.  If I ramble, so be it.  It’s my prerogative, right?

Anyway, don’t rightly know who’s gonna hear this thing anyway.  They’re all gone now, my family and friends that is.  Outlived ‘em all.  Not something to be proud of, really; just a statement of fact.  Actually, that’s pretty much the reason I took the pill in the first place.  What’s the point of going on?  Ain’t got nobody to share my remaining years with, anyhow.  All the ailments that come with old age, they ain’t nothing compared to the loneliness.  Especially at night, when it’s so quite you can just about hear a pin drop.  So I took it, and I don’t regret it.  Tell the truth, I’m sorta lookin’ forward to what’s coming next.  If there is a next, that is.  That’s what I’m hoping for, at any rate. >>>

YOU GOTTA STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES
Mamma always said you gotta stop and smell the roses.

Mamma was a smart woman.  But, generally speaking, roses usually come with thorns.  Maybe what mamma should have said was that you gotta stop and smell the roses, but be careful of getting pricked. >>>

LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
Life in the fast lane surely makes you lose your mind.

But fuck it, slow lanes are hard to come by in San Francisco.

It’s no wonder there are so many mindless people in the heart of this cold, cold city. >>>

ZEN COLA
She came to my office much the same way as all my patients do: referred by her usual dentist who didn’t have the time to deal with such an extreme case. But there was something different about her. Something not quite right. And it hit me as soon as she stepped into the examining room.

She wasn’t nervous. >>>

LIFE AMONG THE RUINS
Unfortunately, the dot-com bust was just that, a bust.  Busted me, my family, and my life all the way down to this.  Kablam!  (That was the sound my world made when it exploded out from under me.)  And the nineties started out so great for people like me.  Princeton afforded me the knowledge base and all the contacts I would need to start my life out in a grand way.  I even met my future wife there.  Man, she was a smart one.  And beautiful to boot.  Though, truth be told, I wasn’t too shocked when she left me.  Women like her weren’t meant for a life like this.  Funny, men like me aren’t either.>>>

SIX OF ONE, HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER
Carlie was born on Christmas Eve, 1958, on a small farm in the English countryside.  Her parents, superstitious as they were, took this as an omen of good fortune.  Their child, they agreed, would lead a life of ease and happiness.  Of course, this they discussed shortly before her birth.  Afterwards, the topic was never broached again. >>>

TUNNEL VISION
This time he was going to do it. Walk right on in there and tell her. Straight out. No more pussyfooting around it. It was over. Had been over for a long time now. They were just going through the motions now. Out of habit. A bad habit. But it was time to kick it, once and for all. Besides, he figured, it would be the best for both of them. Least that’s what he told himself. What he always told himself. He just had to do it quick and get it over with. Like pulling off a Band-Aid. It would hurt for a split second, but, in time, the wound would heal and leave just a trace of a scar. He wasn’t expecting the trembling beneath his legs, though. >>>

SHUT YOUR EYES AND PRAY
Marlin sat on the corner of Harrison and Seventh and stared up at the highway overpass that generally provided him protection from the elements.   Since it was neither raining nor particularly sunny that day, he opted for the great outdoors of the gray patch of cement nestled between the burnt out warehouse and the street.   Though, for all intents and purposes, pretty much anywhere he found himself was outdoors and never really all that great.   Actually, he couldn’t remember a time where he had a real roof over his head or he felt anything but tired, hungry, and beaten down. >>>

EAT PETE
Mary Beth awoke with a start.

“What the fu…,” she said, groggily.

She looked around and realized immediately that it had been a dream. But what a strange dream it was. Stranger than most, to be sure. Not necessarily a nightmare; more of a disturbance. After all, it’s not often you hear a voice in your head telling you to, “Eat Pete”. Least that’s what Mary Beth thought she heard. It did sound like that, but the message was coming in faintly like a low howl. “Eeeeaaat Peeeete,” it repeated in her addled brain, almost too silently too hear. Unfortunately, not silently enough. She heard it all right, and the thought put an unease in her, the likes of which she had never felt before. >>>

TOPLESS
My friends and I rounded the corner of Broadway at Columbus after having finished a truly stupendous Italian dinner in San Francisco’s famous North Beach district.   We were stuffed, yet still full of energy, and decided to cap the night off with a drink or two.   And wouldn’t you know it, we were standing directly in front of the historic Condor Club just as we made this decision.

Now, I’d never been in this particular bar before, but I was well aware of why it was indeed historic.   San Francisco is the birthplace of television, the martini, and the fortune cookie—just to name a few—but other less, shall we say, noble inventions were created in the City by the Bay; namely, topless dancing.   The Condor Club happens to have the distinction of being America’s first go-go bar.   On June 16th, 1964, Carol Doda appeared atop a white baby grand piano in nothing but a bikini bottom, and an era was born.   (I wonder if she had an inkling of just how far the “art form” would come in a mere 40 years.) >>>

MIRROR MIRROR
“That sound,” the tiny man gasped in astonishment.   “I recognize it, but surely I must be mistaken.   I am simply an old man hearing what he wishes so dearly to hear.”

Still, he followed his ears to the sobs that echoed in the distance.   It was a sound he had not heard in many, many years.   A sound that broke his heart so long ago, and yet one he ached to hear again.   He often heard it in his dreams, whispering to him from a time long forgotten. >>>

LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL
“Get out before I toss you out on your fat ass!” my wife shouted at me during one of her frequent tirades.   Smart man that I am, I obeyed.   To tell you the truth, when she got in one of her dark moods, it was always best to put some distance between us.   Luckily, the local watering hole, Eddie’s, was only a half a mile away—plenty distance enough for me.   Incidentally, my ass really isn’t all that fat; not that it makes much of a difference to this story, I just thought you ought to know. >>>

MEGLOMANIAC
“Mrs. Greene,” the doctor said to me, as he gently sat me down and stared unnervingly into my eyes, “Has your husband been experiencing any strange symptoms?  Any unusual character traits as of late?”  I paused before answering.  Two years had passed, actually, since the start of it all.  Two years that may have well been 20.  Two years, 2-million dollars, and two lives irrevocably altered—not to mention the two matching Porsches in our driveway and the two-carat ring on my finger.  And really, the changes had been positive, for the most part, so in all honesty I didn’t think anything was seriously wrong. >>>

RATS, REDNECKS, & RETRIBUTION
Jeb shut up quick as a wink.  His brother had a short fuse, and it was no fun setting if off.  In fact, it was downright dangerous.  The sheriff learned that the hard way—hard like a hammer across the skull.  The bloody image streaked across Jeb’s already addled brain. >>>