THE 2ND AMENDMENT BLUES

by Adam L Brinklow

So, it looks like you’re facing some pretty serious jail time on this one, yes?

Well, that remains to be seen. My lawyers are working around the clock to get my case thrown out. Not only was the police search blatantly unconstitutional, but my establishment is clearly protected by the Second Amendment of the US constitution. I assure you this matter will never see court.

Well, the ATF doesn’t seem to be particularly sympathetic toward your plight.

It’s an atrocity, a complete miscarriage of justice! There are thousands if not millions of successful firearms dealerships in this country, many of whom sell more and more dangerous weapons for more illicit purposes, and with fewer precautionary measures taken. Why am I being singled out for prosecution?

I believe the main issue here is the fact that your store and your advertising are specifically geared toward encouraging your customers to commit suicide.

That is wildly inaccurate!

Oh?

We in no fashion encourage anyone to resort to suicide! We merely target the segment of the buyer’s market that is already suicidal.

I see. So this advertisement from the local yellow pages, “End it all at bargain basement prices!”, that’s not a printer’s error?

Not at all. I wrote that spot myself, and I’m immensely proud of it. In fact, I’m proud of everything we’ve accomplished at Blood Bath & Beyond, and I hope that very soon we’ll be able to reopen our doors and service the public once again.

Alright, tell me then, just what’s so important about your establishment?

We’re providing a service to the public that no one in the history of this country ever has. This is a brave new frontier in the arms market. We’re forging new territories and rekindling the fires of the entrepreneurial spirit! And above all else, we’re making the world a better place!

...how?

Imagine what it would be like if every person who bought a gun and fired it at another person in a fit of anger instead fired it at themselves in a fit of despair? A murder spree can kill anywhere between one to a dozen people, but a suicide has only one victim every time. Think of the lives that could be saved! Think what a wonderful world it would be if handguns ceased to be weapons of murder and were instead only implements of self-destruction.

So, you’re a man of vision?

Indeed I am! We sell top quality merchandise at the lowest possible prices, to people who are in desperate need of help and guidance.

...as to how to kill themselves?

It’s not as easy as it sounds! The statistics on suicide failure rates in this country are staggering! BB&B provides not only the weapon of choice, but also instructional videos, pamphlets, and a half hour lecture course on the planning, execution, and aftermath of the act.

...of killing oneself?

And we also guarantee that each of our fine selection of weapons is a clean and reliable means of dispatch. Did you know that handgun misfire is the leading cause of failure in firearm related suicides? It’s not a pretty sight either. At best it turns what was meant as a moment of quick release into hours of prolonged agony. At worst it can actually botch the entire attempt and leave the individual still living!

The horror.

Indeed. But that’s not a problem anymore. We provide our customers with the 100% No Survivors Guarantee. You’re dead on the first pull or your money back!

That’s quite generous of you.

Remember that we also sell our entire inventory at discount prices. After all, why pay full cost for a gun you’re only going to get to use once? And with every purchase you also get free “Please Forgive Me” monogrammed stationary for use with your final message to your loved ones and two rounds of the proper caliber.

Why two?

Just in case.

So, I take it that your enterprise has been very successful?

Oh, yes. We enjoy a very happy clientele.

I find that extremely difficult to believe.

Well, not “happy” per se. Just happy with us.

Ah. But I don’t suppose that any of them are here to vouch for you personally?

No, and that’s quite an obstacle for us if this case goes to court. None of my satisfied customers are here to testify in my defense. My attempts to recommend a medium for the purposes have not been met with much support.

I would imagine not. Tell me, does it bother you in any fashion that you’re assisting people in committing a crime?

Suicide is a victimless crime!

I would say there’s a very clear victim. The man with the gunshot wound in his temple.

Actually most people prefer in the mouth and through the back of the head. Temple shots are too unreliable.

I had no idea.

Well, a few months in this industry and you learn a few things. In any event, I want to say that I am confident in the American justice system to safeguard my rights as a businessman and as a citizen of this fine country. I believe in the system, the system will work.

Well, that’s quite inspiring. We thank you for your time sir and wish you the, um, best of luck in future endeavors.

And to you too. I hope perhaps one day one you might visit one of my fine establishments.

I sincerely hope I don’t!

Um, well, yes, I suppose not ... in any event, good day.

Good day.