by Neecy Mikolopoulos, XtreemSportz Magazine

31 January—The long-awaited contest is underway to establish, for now and forever, who is the Manliest Man in Amiens, France: Will it be title-holder Walter "Bama Swampmonster" Moore or challenger Keith "Dublin Destroyer" Nevin?

Both men have agreed to participate in a five-part series of competitions spread out over the month of February, in the evenings at My Goodness Irish Pub, Rue Edmond Fontaine. Tension is high on the streets of this historical town, bells are ringing in the gothic cathedral, and aged widows in black pray constantly that neither one of the beloved local heroes suffers death or maiming in the events to come. Schoolchildren have been seen bursting into tears at the thought of the possible mayhem. Whispered speculation can be heard all the way from up in the Pas de Calais to down in Crepy-en-Valois.

The five events test the essential qualities of manliness:

Event One: The Coin Toss (a Real Man is lucky)
Event Two: The Darts Game (a Real Man throws things)
Event Three: The Dress Contest (a Real Man is sexy, especially in a dress parading on the catwalk to "Barbie Girl")
Event Four: The Vodka-Drinking Contest (we don't know if this is Manly, but the boys saw it in a movie and insisted on including it)
Event Five: The Boxing Match, With No Sissy Rounds or Refs (a Real Man beats other men into submission)

The Boxing Match was changed at the last minute, and no one knows why; there was a perfect claustrophobic pit-like area in My Goodness where it could have been held, spectators leaning in screaming inches from the boxers' ears, clutching wads of Euros, but it is not to be. Both the Swampmonster and the Destroyer declined to give an explanation for the cancellation of what could have been an interesting bout, with the Destroyer's speed and famed "dancing leprechaun" attack matched against the Swampmonster's ox-like bulk and immunity to pain or reason. Both men went to great lengths to explain that they were not scared to box each other, or anybody, anywhere, but they were too busy with other things at the moment to give the match the training it deserved.

The Boxing Match has been replaced by the Pints Drinking Contest, for which both combattants are working out assiduously.

The Swampmonster is out to an early lead, having won the Coin-Toss this last Tuesday on a clear undisputed two-out-of-three decision. Nevin's response was that "It was just pure dumb luck, stupid Yank..." but Moore maintains that "My mama always said God loved me, and here is the proof."

The town is abuzz with next week's contest, Darts. The Dublin Destroyer is cultivating an air of mystery, but it is publically known that the Swampmonster is on his way to England to pick up some tossing tips from the Druids.

Nevin is the favorite in the third contest, the Dress Wearing competition. He already owns at least one dress and is confident that Moore will not find one as pretty or that even fits: "How many 6-foot three women are there who are gonna be willing to let Walter borrow their clothes and drip kebab sauce on em? None, I tell ya! Stupid Yank!" Moore maintains that "I'd be right happy to find a nice off-the-shoulder black slinky thing, with some pearls, but at this point I'll be happy with anything that doesn't make my butt look big."

The loser of any given event must buy a round of drinks for the 10 parasitic bar-regulars who were present when the contest was drawn up and who signed their names to a scrap of paper now allegedly in Moore's possession. In addition to not buying any drinks, the over-all winner will be publically recognized as Manliest Man in Amiens, and within 5 years is forced to, um, *allowed* to marry Anabella, the little short girl with long hair who is usually hanging out in the bar in the afternoon, yelling at someone.

When they sobered up, neither one of the lads could quite remember how marrying Anabella became part of the contest and they firmly deny rumors that they both plan to "throw" the contest if it seems they are winning. As Nevin stated: "Don't get me wrong, she's a hell of a girl, quite possibly the classiest girl you could ever win in a bar bet." Moore, for his part, waxed philosophical: "Well buddy, now five years, that there is a long time. Lots could happen in five years before we get married: I could accidentally kill myself any number of ways in five years, throw myself in front of a bus, a train, off a tower...I ain't worried."

We asked My Goodness Manager Michael "Belfast Bruiser" McKnight about his take on the contest, and whether it would help or hurt My Goodness's high reputation:

"Ah, Neecy is it... Ah, so like both the lads're dead manly? And it was boond t'coom oot like this, wasn't it, and joost let me put my hand on yer leg, right. Soo, I wish em both th'best, ah, y'doon't like that, here, I'll joost play with yer knee, OOH, and you like t'slap, do you? Right..."

There has been a last-minute challenge from Benjamin "Saxon Smasher" Gillibrand of England, who upon learning that he had not been included in the Manliest Man competition, held forth his opinions with his usual brutal directness: "Oh dear, I really SHOULD be in this, shouldn't I?" Gillibrand's provocative outburst caused panic and a rush for the exits during his press conference, but fortunately no one was seriously injured.

Another mystery is the unexplained absence of Eddy "Dances-With-Apes" Monohan from the fray. Could it be that rumors of a wife, and a child, in Ireland, are true, and Mr. Monohan has shed the wild ways of his youth for life as a responsible family man? If so, that is a heart-warming story in itself and worthy of this writer's respect.

The remaining four events will be held over the next four weeks in accordance with Traditional French Organizational Rules, ie, times and places will be changed at a whim, at the last minute and with no notice. My advice to the would-be spectator is to simply spend as much time as possible in My Goodness Irish Pub.