Conspiracy is a girl's best friend.
Marilyn Monroe knew-
She faked her own death then
Hightailed it to Cuba to play house with
Her girlfriend Fidel Castro--
Who was so deep in the closet
Even J. Edgar Hoover in a black lace teddy
And fishnet stockings didn't know.
Marilyn and Fidel swapped panties and
Giggling Hollywood crushes over lipstick
Smeared copies of Photoplay like
Prepubescent pajama party peninsula poon-tang

Marilyn's invention of the dumb blonde
Was a smoke screen shielding her need for
World domination! How else do you explain
Her affairs and marriages to Joe DiMaggio,
Arthur Miller and the Kennedy Boys -- the most
Powerful and respected men of the free white world?!?

She played the blond minstrel while newsreel
Cameras purred like sirens beckoning
Her to beach herself on the sands of death and self-destruction…
But in reality she was a wicked politico
And bitter, bulldog business woman with high aspirations!!!

After realizing neither John nor Robert Kennedy
Could get their tongues past their stiff upper Boston lips
For oral pleasures, she rung up homeboy Frank Sinatra
To see if he could use his mafia ties to arrange hits!!
Frank belted out 'Luck Be A Lady' while his pot'na
Sam Giancana phoned former janitor Lee Harvey Oswald
To cash in sharp shooter skills earned in the Marine Corps
And do a rub out to clear some gambling debts.

Meanwhile, Marilyn arranged for her former
7th grade math teacher Jack Ruby to hit the hit man!
It seems back in the day, Jack offered to sniff panties
In exchange for good grades! So he got out of teaching
To avoid prosecution and opened up a bar in Texas.
But Jack felt so guilty about his past transgressions
That when former student done good Marilyn
Returned with a favor, he couldn't say no.

So after the assassinations and cover-ups,
Marilyn, under the perfect cloak of death,
Leased a U.F.O from Area 51, choosing to fly the friendly
Skies in her retirement-dropping
Twomp sacks of experimental crack samples
Every Halloween in the ghetto for spook
Trick or Treaters out of spite
Cause several years back, Sidney Poitier and Harry Belafonte
'No Se Habla Menage a Trois' with Hollywood's
biggest starlet AND refused to take second billing
to her in a forthcoming project entitled: "Some Like It Hot"

Then one night, while mixing up prototypes for Tang
In the U.F.O.'s lab, Marilyn accidentally invented AIDS
When her pet rhesus monkey, Tickle, mistook a beaker
Of what would be known as HIV for Diet Pepsi,
Escaped from the U.F.O capsule through a faulty
Air conditioning vent and fell to earth
Where it promptly bit a Haitian on the thumb
When dude tried to snatch Tickle up for a religious sacrifice.

Marilyn, too terrified to step foot back on Planet Earth,
Never rescued Tickle leaving him on his own.
So the monkey hitchhiked in airplane luggage from
Haiti to Los Angeles where he survived by working
Part time in Circus Of The Stars and at night walked the
SPCA stroll as a high priced pet gigolo who counted
Dogs and cats of the rich and famous as his clients.

Tickle was a bad luck monkey born out of the blues
One night in a jealous rage
He went out hunting for a former lover, a male
Japanese Akita with homosexual tendencies.
The monkey, drunk and high, mistook two humans
Locked in coition at the base of a tree in a fancy Hollywood
Estate for his 'bitch' and secret lover
And using skills picked up at the circus,
Unwittingly murdered Nicole Brown Simpson
And Ron Goldman

Come daybreak, when the monkey regained consciousness
And sobered up-realizing his mistake
Tickle jumped on the next Greyhound to Mexico where
He paid penance for past indiscretions
By sucking the blood out of goats and chickens
Until one night he was spotted in the shadows
And named by a hysterical Mexican eyewitness:
Chupacabra!