Culling the Herd part 2

by Jeff Smith

So, in the beginning, there was the phrase. It was a good phrase. I began to see it as a mission statement of sorts. I really needed to become the equivalent of TB. I needed to help cull the herd.

Now, I’m not really sure how to do that. You see, we have come so far from the earth that nobody seems to know how to grow stuff or hunt. I don’t, that’s for sure. I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life. I have never hunted for food other than trying to find stuff in a grocery store. It’s pretty pathetic really. I have always liked those post-apocalyptic stories. I always wonder what it would be like to be there after the plague or natural disaster or nuclear war. I realize that I probably wouldn’t last long. I can’t hunt or fish or grow food. I would starve after I had found the last remaining can of dog food in the burnt out grocery store. So would most of the rest of us. I grew up in a city and so have never really had any experience whatsoever with any kind of farming or hunting or animal husbandry.

The point of that last paragraph being, I had no idea how to go about culling the herd. I needed to figure out some methods. So, I sat around thinking of things. Of course guns are an obvious way to do it. But they are noisy and call attention. I could use a knife but that’s a little closer than I really want to come to some of these folks. How do the killers out there do it? I needed to find a way that would work for me.

Now, what could be more American than the gun? Nothing. So, I figured, I should get one anyway, even of I was going to use some other method. I went to the gun shop and got one. It was so easy. I got a really nice 9mm pistol and a few clips and some ammo. Now, I have never shot a gun before. I took it out in to the hills and shot at some trees. I am not a good shot but I guess it doesn’t really matter. If you are really close, you can’t miss.

I remember hearing a line in a movie once. It was this,

"One shot is backfire, two is gunfire."

I think this is good advice. I decided to test it out around the city. I drove to one of the nicer neighborhoods in town. I pulled up a side street in front of some nice houses. Got out of the car and walked around the corner. No one was around. It was a nice quiet evening. So I pulled the gun from my pocket and shot into the lawn of the nearest house. It was pretty loud. I then walked calmly and slowly back to my car. As I walked, I noticed that no lights came on, nobody seemed to look out, no cries of alarm. Nice.

So I waited in my car. No cops came, nobody came to investigate. Nice. I still needed to test it out some more. Make sure it really was true. So I went to a few more places and did the same thing. No problems at all. One shot seemed to be fine for everyone. Perfect.

I guess I have my weapon. But wait, what about the forensics? I have seen enough movies and TV to realize that there are going to be forensics and they are going to figure out that it’s the same gun. So if I cull a few they will begin to realize there is a pattern. That won’t help me much. I need to be anonymous. If I get caught I won’t be able to continue my work. So, I guess the gun is out, at least for all of the culling. I will still need it anyway. It’s always nice to have a gun.

How then do I do it? How do I do my culling of the herd?

I guess it will have to be the knife. How else can you do it? I am not that creative really. I’m sure I could try coming up with novel ways of culling but really it’s just easier to be simple about it. The knife will do.

There is one of those cutlery stores down the street from my office. They have plenty of knives there. The knives I have at home are plastic handled, cheap metal, really dull and never to be sharpened again kind of knives. In fact it’s kind of embarrassing, I should have some better knives. So I buy a nice set of Henckels knives from the cutlery store. I get the big 8 inch chef’s knife, the 8 inch bread knife, a small paring knife and the knife I think I will be using, the 6 inch boning knife. These knives are so nice. They are the perfect heft and they are really sharp. I love them. I have always wanted really good knives. I just never quite got around to getting them. I never wanted to spend the money and so usually just got the cheap ones you can get in the grocery store. Now I know what I have been missing all this time. Had I known I would have gotten some sooner.

The 6 inch boning knife is really nice. A nice, slim, sharp and clean design for a knife. It is perfect for what I want to do. The only problem is, when I am at home practicing my method it seems all wrong. As I said earlier, I have no idea how to hunt or any of that stuff. I know there is a jugular vein in the throat that I can cut and get the job done but where is it exactly. Exactly is where the problem lies. I guess I could just go ahead and start and figure it out as I go along. I can just see the poor sucker with his neck all chopped up wondering when he is going to finally bleed to death because his culler is such a rookie. If I’m going to do this thing then I should know what I’m doing. So, I go to the library and look up the human anatomy thing. I find just what I’m looking for in Grey’s anatomy. There they are, the veins I seek. I feel them in my own neck and now I know.

While I’m there I realize that there will be lots of blood when I finally get around to the culling. I will need to make sure I stay pretty clean. First of all, I don’t want their filth on me and second of all, I really don’t want the blood on me. I need some rubber gloves. I go to Costco and buy a couple of boxes of those funny yellow dishwashing gloves my mom always used to wear. Now I have about 5 million pairs of gloves. Costco really blows my mind. Everything in bulk and I mean BULK. Alan’s favorite thing to say about Costco,

"Does anyone really need a gallon of mustard?"

He is pretty funny that Alan.

So does anyone really need a gallon of mustard? I still have a really small jar in my fridge that’s been there for about three years, at least. You can get a huge tub of sauerkraut or pickles or olives or on and on and on. I walk through Costco in a daze. It really is the pinnacle of what America is all about. Bulk consumerism at its best. Being a single guy I really don’t go to Costco much. There is no way I could ever use that much of anything. The gloves though, that will come in handy. I guess there really may be someone out there who can use a gallon of mustard. Not me but someone. Someone who likes lots of sandwiches I guess.

I will be doing most of my culling a night I suppose. Night really is the time to do it. So, I will need some suitable clothing to make sure I am undetected. At least not detected easily. I end up buying a few pairs of baggy black jeans and black hooded sweatshirts. I figure it’s what all the kids are wearing these days. That kind of outfit will help mask me. I am a 29 year old white guy. If I dress like one they will surely find me easily. I also buy two good pairs of black jungle boots. You know the ones with leather at the bottom and heavy cloth around the ankle. Good footwear is important. I need something sturdy but also something that I can run in if I need to. Jungle boots will work great. I wear them around at night and on the weekends to break them in. I also buy a few black baseball caps with no logos on them. I take all the logos off all the clothes I buy. I want to make sure there is nothing descriptive about them at all. The last piece of gear I buy is a pair of black sunglasses where you can change the lenses. I figure the glasses will help disguise me but I need to wear them at night. They come with a regular sunglass pair of lenses, a clear pair and a yellow pair. The yellow ones are kinda freaky. They make the whole world glow. It really makes the whole world much brighter and prettier and really, really clear. When you take them off the world looks like someone slightly bleached it out.

I got all the gear. It ended up costing me a lot of money. I didn’t think that this kind of thing took so much effort and expense. If I had calculated the costs in the beginning I might not have proceeded. The gun and ammo alone was over a grand. All the other stuff cost me almost as much. I guess I can’t really count the whole set of knives. Since I used most of them in the kitchen not for my work. I wonder if I can take all this stuff on my taxes. That would be nice. I mean it is work related.

I tried all the gear on. I didn’t look anything like me at all. I looked like some gang kid from the barrio. Perfect. I could hide the gun and knife easily in the clothes. In fact I figured out that I could easily wear another set of clothes underneath the black set. I practiced and practiced getting the black set on and off over and over. I got it down pretty well. I decided it would be best to wear a nondescript pair of blue jeans and a buttondown shirt underneath. The only problem being the jungle boots but I didn’t think that would be a real problem.

I used my black messenger style bag to carry all my stuff in. Again with all logos removed. I could fit the whole black outfit in it easily and the bags are so common that it should draw no notice.

I was ready. I had all the gear and the method. I just needed to begin the work.

© Jeff Smith 2001